Linking up with Lisa-Jo and the great group that participates in Five Minute Friday. The main rule is to write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking – on the topic that Lisa-Jo posts about each week.
The topic for this week: Here
I didn’t think I’d be here still this weekend. My doctor wanted me admitted longer term because she felt my health was too unstable for me to safely be at home.
But then in the middle of making that happen, she had to go out suddenly and it’s as if the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing now, as other doctors try to figure out what they want done since my lead doctor now isn’t here again until sometime next month. Wrangling doctors and specialists is like wrangling cats – and without her here heading up the wrangling now, it’s only complicating an already extremely complex situation.
Being here is certainly more peaceful, but living in a constant state of “we’re admitting you long term” or “your labs are coming back critically out of range you’ve got to come in (or you’ve got to get 12 hours of infusions, etc.)” just adds to the odd feeling of knowing everything is a balancing act or choosing between the lesser of the evils or what the bigger risks are with every decision that’s made.
Sometimes being here is so isolating and it’s hard not to get a little stir crazy. I’m not even supposed to go down my own steps if someone isn’t around – or about to be – which means I’m stuck in my own little ‘bubble’ much of the time and can’t even just go walk around outside. It’s a very strange new reality, never getting out unless someone is taking me to an appointment, and largely only seeing the nurses that come at least four days a week.
I’ve realized, being here for so long now, how quickly the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ phenomenon kicks in. People have busy lives, and especially if it’s just you and you don’t have a family that people see that causes them to remember you’re still here – even if you’re stuck in an odd new world for a time – it’s easy to feel very alone.
Many days, being here, realizing I spend much of the day on the phone with doctors, nurses, insurance companies, or other medically related things, and I don’t get much in the way of input from the ‘real world,’ it feels like I’m living here in this world all alone.
But then, at least most days, God does something to remind me that even if no one else is here or around in anyway, that HE is here with me. The four little walls of my home here that often feel a bit like a prison cell keeping the outside world at arm’s length, don’t keep Him away. And for that I’m grateful.
(Many of my A-Z posts were pre-scheduled, thankfully, given how my health has gone of late. This is the first post I’ve written ‘live’ in quite some time. I’m sorry I’ve gotten behind on replying to comments…I’m trying to get caught up this weekend! And I’m trying to get caught up on reading and commenting on blogs other than fellow A-Z participants, too, this weekend.)